I’ve known what I wanted to do with my life since my third-grade teacher asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. “A professional soccer player,” I answered confidently. I’ve never thought that I could be happy doing anything besides following that journey I began as a 9-year-old.
But that assuredness does not eradicate doubt, nor could I have possibly asked myself the questions as a 9-year-old that I now ask myself as a 28-year-old entering my sixth season as a professional soccer player.
The most common of these questions — “What am I doing?” — never comes up while I’m on the treadmill at 10:30 p.m. at a hotel after a full day of travel and coaching. It doesn’t come to mind when I’m bundled in five layers and warming up to train as snowflakes cling to my eyelashes. It doesn’t even occur to me as I lay out cones in my parking garage to work out while my neighbors unload groceries and give me strange looks. It is in those moments that I feel compelled to be who I am and committed to getting better every day.
It is in the more mundane times that doubt really hits me. It happens when I play basketball for fun or take a weekend off to be a so-called normal person. That’s when the uncertainty seeps in, when I start to question everything.
As the start of another National Women’s Soccer League season approaches, my memories of playing in Cyprus for a Champions League team and for the Arsenal Ladies at a tournament in Japan have faded a bit. Now I’m preparing to join a new team, F.C. Kansas City, that will be my seventh professional club.
As I plan my move there and calculate out how many towels I should bring, I consider again: “What am I doing?”
Why move again to play on a new team? Why train to get maybe 1 percent better at something? Why take a job with such little security?
Seriously, while my peers are getting married, buying houses and having children — what am I doing?!
I am honoring my physical being. I believe that my body is a precious gift, and every day I celebrate my health and my ability by attempting to fine-tune what I can do physically. I am honoring my mental drive as I attempt to solve a constant psychological and emotional puzzle. The sport is constantly taunting me to strive for mastery despite the fact that it is unpredictable and demands spontaneous creativity. I am honoring my spiritual inspiration. My soccer career connects me to the world in a unique way, and allows me to be inspired and to inspire others.
Now, when that nagging question pops into my head, I more readily have an answer. I am, without ego or need for validation, seeking to honor the essence of who I am.
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