“How is being a new parent?!” That question can certainly be a loaded one.

The simple answer is: “Oh I LOVE it! It’s the best and most beautiful thing I’ve ever done. I am so grateful.” And that’s the truth--the most important truth. But it’s also not a very complete answer, as another answer can also be true: “It’s great, but it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done.”

I was out at the field this morning in a rage because I felt so incompetent. I had lost to my husband in 1v1s about four times in a row. Aaron (said husband) tried to salvage the day by offering something to the effect of, “Just try to enjoy it.” And I thought to myself, “WHY can’t I do that?!?”

When I think back on my career as a soccer player, there were a few landmark events early on that were hugely impactful in my development.

I express this all the time: I had wonderful coaches and mentors growing up. This includes my parents, who both still do their training (usually weight lifting or running) every day--and during my 34 years on this earth, I have never once heard them make an excuse to miss a day; to my first coaches from Ashley’s Soccer Camp (including Ashley himself), who challenged me to master the basics. And there have been other key influences throughout my career.

When people talk about the “sacrifices” it takes to play high-level soccer, I honestly never felt that way. It wasn’t a sacrifice because I was doing what was most important to me. I was always extremely clear on my priorities.

For 20 years, every day revolved around maximizing my ability to perform on the field. Ever since I was 12, my workout(s) or training were the staple element around which my day was planned. It was never hard to justify, or be motivated, and it became even easier when playing was my job as a pro.

They say that you can’t control things, but you can control the way you react to them. Let’s be honest, though, most of us aren’t at the level to do that!! I often (on a good day) can choose my actions, but very rarely can I consciously choose my internal reaction to things.

The more personal to me, or the more I feel that something defines me, the less mastery I have over controlling my reaction.

Many people know how to be successful. Usually the information (in most fields at least) on how to learn and master skills is fairly public, especially with the internet and social media these days, not to mention the example of so many of who have achieved success. In the end, there are very few actual “secrets to success.”

Yet while the knowing may be easy, doing what needs to be done to be successful certainly is not.

I can’t tell you how many times on my evaluations as a youth soccer player, I would be told that I needed to “play with more passion.”

I truly wish when I was coming up in the game that there was more awareness on the mental side of performance and mental health in general. I can only imagine what my body language was like at times on the field, and I know that coaches were trying to help me, but what they wanted from me was surely not actually more passion.

I recently had a long conversation with my good friend, former pro teammate, and colleague at Techne, Molly Menchel. We were discussing the Time Trained feature in the Techne app.

When I set out to create Techne, I knew one thing: I wanted to recreate for players the empowering experience and lessons I had learned myself that allowed me to realize my long-term goal of playing professional soccer. I wanted to help other players feel the power of personal investment.

I always get asked by youth soccer players, “What’s your favorite move or skill?” It’s a fair question, because while I’m certainly not a freestyler, a lot of my training videos include some type of footwork with the ball or juggling that looks somewhat “fancy.”

Ever stop to think about what you don’t have to think about?

I used to get bad migraines. If I pushed myself too hard and didn’t listen to the signals when the dull headache emerged, I’d soon be in excruciating pain and violently ill. The headaches would last maybe 4-5 hours, and during the height of the agony, I remember thinking, “If I can just feel better, I will certainly be grateful for feeling good and not EVER take that for granted!” But just as is often the case with most temporary struggles, once I was on the other side of the pain, the memory would quickly fade, and I’d forget to be grateful for every single moment I didn’t feel bad. It seems it’s human nature. We don’t think about what we don’t have to think about.

Similarly to when I first saw the word “Techne,” when I came across the term “technical debt” it struck me as such a perfect intersection of multiple facets of my thinking and life experience.

“Technical debt (also known as design debt or code debt, but can be also related to other technical endeavors), is a concept in software development that reflects the implied cost of additional rework caused by choosing an easy (limited) solution now instead of using a better approach that would take longer.”

I’m back! I took a hiatus from blogging while I grew and birthed a mini human, and I’ve been busy tending to her. But I feel it’s time for me to start sharing my thoughts again.

For my first blog back, I wanted to take on the topic of parenting. However, my blogs ongoing will cover all matters soccer, training, entrepreneurship, parenting, and general well-being.

This is a “mom blog,” because it would be impossible to start back without sharing a snippet of the new me. I’m very much the same person, but also completely different.

According to my plans I should still be playing professional soccer right now, striving to get an opportunity with the U.S. National Team. I should be in prime physical condition, doing yoga to ensure my longevity, and watching every game on TV to study and learn.

Now that I consider it, I don’t know if or how I would have ever stopped playing by my own decision. I joke (kind of) that my body did for me what I couldn’t or wouldn’t ever do for myself. I had tied my playing career up in my identity so deeply that I didn’t even realize my career was no longer good or healthy for me.

I lived most of the past 10 years of my life in the same way that I lived the previous 10, which can be summed up perfectly by a Tony DiCicco quote that I heard Anthony DiCicco share at the 2018 United Soccer Coaches Convention.

“Dream big

Dream in vivid detail

And dissolve yourself in the process of living that dream.”

2019 has served as my awakening from a 20-year exhilarating, complicated, at times painful, but all-together wonderful dream.

In dissolving myself in the process of living my dream, I learned an incredible amount about the dream itself, MYself, and the transition from one dream into the next.

This is my summarized version of 10 things I learned in the past decade:

This is the transcript of a keynote address I gave as part of ‘One Book One Leman Book Day’ at Leman Manhattan Preparatory School. The topic of the day was Inclusion.

Good morning everyone.

I’m going to tell you two quick stories, both of which are true.

When I was nine, I had the dream of becoming a professional soccer player. I would watch videos of the University of North Carolina Tar Heels and the U.S. Women’s National Team and hoped that one day - if I worked hard - I could play for those teams.

I just booked my ticket to France.

It’s been my lifelong dream to go to the World Cup. As a young player, and up until about a year ago, I had dreamed of playing on the greatest stage this game has to offer. I got close: playing in the 2010 World Cup Qualifying tournament and being the last center midfielder cut before the 2011 World Cup team was announced. So, as I looked up flights with my sister, checked train schedules, and sent messages to try to find tickets to purchase, it was a very strange feeling for me.

Here’s the thing about my life until now: I’ve been certain about a lot.

I’ve known since I was 9 that all I ever wanted to do, or be, is a professional soccer player.

I’ve been clear that my top priority in life since then has been becoming the absolute best I can be.

My love for the game has never wavered (except for my 12th birthday soccer party, after which I cried and decided none of this was worth it, because my friends Matt and Bernard were so much better than me).

All my decisions have been dictated by my consuming desire to become an expert in my field. And that has endured.

There are three frogs on a log. One decides to leave. How many are left?

I’ll give you a hint: The answer is not two.

It’s uncanny how life conspires to send us messages. And no matter how stubborn we are, it’ll keep trying over and over until those messages get through to us – some way, somehow. We’re meant to learn certain lessons at specific times, and seemingly random events will continually shape us until we’ve absorbed those lessons. 

The locker room after a crucial loss is a tough place to be. 

After a hard-fought defeat in the NWSL semifinal, we all sat in the locker room in Portland and shed tears. Even though, due to illness, I only minimally traveled with the team and appeared in just one game this season, I felt the connection. And I wondered to myself, “Why do I feel so sad?”